


my heart is blue

by emilia_kaisa



Series: it's okay (I know someday I'm gonna be with you) [1]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, Heartbreak, M/M, Not Beta Read, One Shot, Why Did I Write This?, i feel bad about this one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-04-07 20:26:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14088999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: Javi was kind and warm, with soft smile and gentle hands Yuzuru knew so well by now. They were a good team, good motivation, good competition.It was enough, right?Yuzuru closed his eyes as his mind whispered what if, what if.





	my heart is blue

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so unsure about this one, I might delete it in ten minutes or after two days, hah.  
> As always, I'm still new to RPF and English is not my first language, so I apologize if it's a mess (it is, I wrote it in the middle of the night).  
> If you wanna suffer more, listen to 'It's ok' by Tom Rosenthal (stole the title from this song).  
> This is very fictional fiction.

 

It all started in Shanghai.

Yuzuru was so sure he was going to win, despite everything that had happened to him during that long season, despite all ups and downs. He was going to be the world champion for the second time in the row, there was no other option. Short program only seemed to confirm that and he couldn't help but feel confident.

And then it all started crumbling down.

His free felt like a disaster, his body giving up, no matter how hard he tried, how hard he gritted his teeth, how much he pushed. It still felt like enough though, when he was sitting in the green room, watching Javier struggle with his own performance.

It still felt like enough, when Javi smiled to him from kiss and cry.

But it wasn't.

His heart stopped for the moment when the score was announced, his mind catching up with reality.

_I lost._

There was a genuine surprise on Javier's face and Yuzuru had to try only a little to force a smile on his lips, his hands clapping.

_Second, second._

It was him, at least. He wouldn't stand it if that was anyone else.

He thought he had it under control when Javier hugged him, his touch warm and familiar. But he didn't; he let it slip through his fingers, the same way he let that gold medal out of his hands. Tears finally came, running down his face as he sobbed against Javi's shoulder. He could feel his gentle fingers on his neck, could hear his soft words in his ears, and then a thought appeared, clear and sharp like a knife.

_If he kissed me, it wouldn't hurt so much._

He shivered and let Javi pull him closer.

 

Yuzuru couldn't fall asleep that night. He was pacing around the room, trying to figure out what was going on with him. Maybe it had been just a moment of weakness, when he was so dazed after his loss, his mind and body vulnerable. It had to be it.

He didn't see Javier that way, right?

Javi was kind and warm, with soft smiles and gentle hands that Yuzuru knew so well by now. They were a good team, good motivation, good competition.

It was enough, right?

Yuzuru closed his eyes as his mind whispered _what if, what if._

 

* * *

 

It felt different.

They still laughed, they still hugged, they helped each other get up after a fall. His skin burned under Javi's fingertips, but not in a way that would make him pull back.

Yuzuru hated that.

It was confusing him, that whole situation, how his body reacted. He didn't want that, he didn't need that. But at the same time he couldn't help but come back for more.

It took him a few months to realize that it wasn't only him.

Sometimes he would raise his head and his eyes would meet Javi's and there was something in the Spaniard's eyes, something deep and warm, something he hadn't seen before.

Yuzuru chose not to think about it. _I don't need that, I don't need that._

'You okay?' Javi asked once, his eyes filled with softness, his hand touching Yuzuru's temple.

He had to use all his willpower not to close his eyes and lean into that touch.

'Just focused. New season, wanna do better.'

'Of course you do.'

Yuzuru really wished Javi stopped looking at him so gently. Maybe it would be easier then. It would be easier not to feel, not to imagine, not to hear that quiet, stubborn _what if, what if._

 

 _It's what he does_ he told himself when Javi smiled at him from across the rink, his eyes full of light.

 _It's just how he is_ he was convincing himself when the Spaniard brushed his hair from his forehead, the simple gesture sending shivers down his spine.

 _It's nothing_ he tried as he watched his rinkmate skate away, his skin already missing the familiar warmth of the other's hands.

_I don't want him._

But he was already too far gone to pretend.

 

He was still convincing himself it would go away, that it would disappear, that awful longing imprinted deep in his bones. _It's not fair_ he thought miserably. _I like him so much. We are good, we were good before. Why it's not enough?_ But nothing was enough these days, and everything would still left him craving for more.

Boston was an agony, feelings too overwhelming to even deal with them. One part of him was happy for Javi, for the man who had been working so hard for that success. But the other part was whispering angrily in the back of his head _it shouldn't have happened. He shouldn't be able to beat me._

They hugged so many times that day Yuzuru lost count, but the only one that really mattered came as the last one. They stood in the hotel hallway, ready to go to their separate rooms, when Javi pulled him into a hug.

It felt different.

It was different.

Javi's eyes were dark and questioning, and Yuzuru knew thet he was the one who had to make a choice.

'Goodnight, Javi.' he whispered before pulling back and going to his room, trying to ignore the fact that the Spaniard was still standing where he had left him, not moving an inch.

Yuzuru realized that he had to choose between Javier and skating, because there was no world in which he could have both.

The answer was painfully obvious.

 

* * *

 

Yuzuru was good at distancing himself, especially from people. It was easier now, when he had made the choice. It gave him new focus, new energy, and if his heart sometimes clenched painfully, if his mind sometimes whispered stubbornly _what if_ \- he was able to block it, to brush it away.

He was almost able to ignore Javi's questioning eyes, his soft, nostalgic smile.

They laughed, they hugged, the helped each other get up after a fall. But if there had been any closeness between them before, it was gone now.

_It's okay. It's enough._

It never was.

 

 

He won the olympic gold again and for a second everything was right, Javi's arms aroud him and an echo of feelings buried so deep down he pretended they didn't exist. And then there were his quiet 'this is my last olympic' and _oh, this is how a heartbreak feels like._

Yuzuru came that night to Javi's room, with no tears left in his body and tightness in his chest.

'Are you leaving?'

'I'll be back for the gala.'

'Not what I mean.'

There was that unbearable softness in his eyes again and Yuzuru's world started crumbling.

'I don't know.'

There was so much space between them, it felt like an ocean already.

Their gazes met and Javi's eyes were filled with so much sadness Yuzuru couldn't breathe. The Spaniard looked at him, as if he was making a choice, and then he inhaled deeply, his fingers trembling slightly.

'Come here.' he whispered, and Yuzuru closed his eyes for a second. And then he made a choice too.

They met in the middle of the room, Javi's fingers cradling Yuzuru's face gently, the touch both burning and caring.

They kissed, softly and deeply, as if they both were something fragile, something precious and breakable. And they both knew, right and then, that it was a goodbye, the most real one they could ever get.

They pulled back when there was no more air left between them, their foreheads resting agaist each other, their eyes locked in a silent dialogue.

_Have we missed our chance?_

_Did we ever have one?_

Their lips were only inches away and all Yuzuru wanted to do was to kiss him again. But then it wouldn't be a goodbye anymore, and they both would fall, fall and burn, and they couldn't have that.

In this world, Yuzuru had made his choice. They both had.

'Take care.' Javi whispered and _oh, this is how it feels to break somebody's heart_.

'Take care.'

It wasn't enough. But it would be, someday.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Any thoughts? Should write more in that fandom? Should I never touch it again? (I've something planned tho.)


End file.
